The Neglected Asshole
by Jam Cow
Summary: An implied neglected Naruto fic. Except it's not serious.
1. Prolouge

Naruto turned to look at the person behind of him.

He then started snickering when he saw who it was.

"Back for more?" he chuckled out

The person behind to him muttered out something.

"What was that?" Naruto held a hand to his ear

Naruko had a scowl on her face.

"Tou-san made trying to capture you a training mission for Konoha."

Naruto quirked an eyebrow.

"And does the fact that I'm a missing-nin not bother anyone?" he asked

Naruko gritted her teeth together in anger, before shoving a Bingo book into her brother's face.

Naruto squinted at the book trying to read it's contents.

Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze: The Golden Asshole

Rank: S class

Age: 14-16

Affiliation: None

Description: _Son of Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki, ran away from home to become a missing nin. As a missing nin he has not killed any other ninja. Instead he likes to embarrass ninja from all over the nations and film them or take photos on camera._

 _In all of the hidden villages, there are billboards with said photos and a movie theater to play the movies. The billboard and movie theater are indestructible and are covered in seals to protect it. Not even Jiraiya the Sannin can get rid of them._

 _On the bright side, his actions brought attention from all over and improved the economy of all 5 great nations and tightened their security. His actions even improved relationships between villages when ninja work together to try and catch him._

On the side there was a picture of Naruto with a cheesy grin on his face.

Naruto smiled at Naruko.

"You still mad at me for taking your underwear and sharing it with Konoha?"

Naruko shrieked, and stomped her feet.

"I've never been more embarrassed in my LIFE!"

Naruto scratched his chin.

"But your fan boys seemed to like it." he nodding his head

"I'LL KILL YOU!" Naruko lashed out at Naruto

He blocked the punch with one hand and wagged his finger with the other one.

"Maa, Naruko, is that how you treat your brother? Shame on you."

The girl growled before chucking several kunai and shuriken at him.

Naruto plucked them out of the air with practiced ease before stashing them in his pouch.

He then bowed to Naruko.

"Thanks! I was running low on those!"

Naruko responded with a wind jutsu.

000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Naruko was walking home with a pretty bad mood.

She had an afro, torn up clothing, and a sticker on her forehead that said: I got f**ked over by Naruto!

She glared to the side of her, where Naruto was walking beside her, petting a video camera affectionately.

Naruko let out a frustrated groan," Why can't you act like a normal neglected child who ran away from home?"

Naruto laughed at that waving his hand lazily.

"Where's the fun in that?" he asked before continuing on

"If I did that, there would be emotional drama, some stupid ass speech of how I got neglected, and me having a girlfriend nobody knows or likes." he explained

"The thing I'm doing is WAY more fun!" Naruto said

He tilted his head "Don't you agree?"

Naruko looked away with a huff.

Naruto looked at his camera with glee.

"I'll be honest Naruko, what I did with you was pretty tame compared to some other stuff I did." Naruto admitted

She growled at her brother gesturing to herself.

"How is _this_ tame."

"Well…"

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Naruto peered down the cliff he was standing on.

He smiled when he saw who was down there.

He unzipped his pants and started to urinate.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Hidan felt something hit his head.

He looked up and…

"WWAAAAAGHGHGH" he gurgled out

"WAHAHAHAHA!" Naruto laughed

0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

Naruto grinned at his gagging sister.

Naruto held up a flash drive.

"Hehe, I'll call it the Akatsuki version of my series!"

Naruko deadpanned at her gross brother.

"You have have a series?"

Naruto nodded sagely

"Yeah! I'm pretty good right now! Almost as good as Yukie Fujikaze!"

Naruko scoffed, "Yeah right."

"Really!" her brother assured

"Hey!" someone called out

Both blondes looked in the direction of the voice.

They saw a random generic person walking up to them.

"Are you Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze?" he asked

"Yeah..."

"I'm such a huge fan of yours!"

"Really?"

The fan nodded.

Naruto chuckled

"Well..." The missing-nin pulled out a t-shirt and handed it to the guy

The fan ran off hugging the shirt close to his chest.

Naruko pinched the bridge of her nose.

"You have merchandise?"

Naruto rolled his eyes.

"Of course I have merchandise! So…" he looked at Naruko

"What was it about not being famous?"

Naruko tched," Yeah, it was only one person-"

"HEY LOOK! IT'S NARUTO UZUMAKI NAMIKAZE!" someone yelled out

A huge crowd came.

00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000

The brother of the pair ruffled his sister's hair.

"Ahh… Naru-chan-"

Naruko batted away the hand and scowled," Don't call me that."

"-you should never doubt your Onii-chan!" he finished

"I don't get why you're so mean, even Yang Kurama likes me!"

Naruko growled, "My Kurama keeps complaining about how inferior I am to you!"

"Well, you kind of are-"

The kunoichi chucked a kunai at him.

Naruto caught it and stashed it in his pouch, infuriating his sister more.

"Oh look we're here!" he pointed towards the village

When they finally arrived, Izumo and Kotetsu just sighed waving them.

Apparently they didn't care that a missing nin was walking in their village.

Naruto handed off his camera and flash drive to his editor stationed in Konoha, and pinned his photos to the pin board.

"Well Naruko I guess this is goodbye!" he said

Naruko flipped him off.

Naruto pretended to be offended.

"Naruko! You should really try to be nicer to me! We only see eachother every other Monday! We should cherish our time together!"

Naruko tightened her fist.

"Anyway, I guess I should give you a goodbye gift!" he said cheerfully

"What goodbye-"

Naruto ripped off what was left of her shirt.

"HEY!" He screamed out "OVER HERE!" he hollered

Naruto then swiftly left.

"NARUTO!" she shrieked

Distant laughter was heard.


	2. Operation: Abscond

How did Naruto come to be this way? This assholish prankster persona he has going on.

Well you see…

* * *

Actually no. Fuck that.

Come up with your own backstory bullshit. I'm too lazy for that crap. They're all basically the same anyway.

What matters is what comes after the neglecting. Does he become some super OP ninja loner? Or does he become _hawt_ and bangs lots of chicks?

Well in this story, he becomes the-

NEGLECTED ASSHOLE! *Party popper goes off and confetti falls*

Whoo! Let's get on with the story now.

* * *

Naruto needed to get out of the village. Why? Uh…

Actually, I don't know. Staying in the village would probably be better. Plenty of kids get neglected and you don't see them running away.

But all the other fanfic writers do it...hmm...

In fact he would most likely die out there. There were plenty of ways for him to be killed.

Here's a list:

1\. Starving

2\. Dehydration

3\. Being eaten by a bear

4\. Being eaten by two bears

5\. Being ambushed by a Iwa operative who wants to kidnap him since he is the son of two powerful ninja from a village that totally wrecked their shit in a war and then be sold in the black market where he would spend the rest of his life being a slave to an underground dungeon master who likes to whip people

So many ways for him to die.

But screw it! He was leaving and nothing would stop him! Even though, he was...what, like ten?

Whatever.

* * *

So he needed to leave the village. That means he needed a plan.

Wait we should have a name. All cool plans have names. Let's call it: _Operation: Abandon Everything Naruto Knows_

...that's sort of dark. How bout': _Operation: Break Free of Konoha_

...no, that makes him sound like a prison escapee.

Shoot!

Uh… _Operation: Abscond_

Yeah! A cool sounding word that no one knows. You had to look it up, don't lie.

Now for the plan.

Naruto knew he had at least one ANBU dude watching him at all times. He knew since the ANBU didn't really try to hide himself at all. Looked like a creepy pedo-stalker. Also he was pretty important. All important people are guarded.

If Naruto could take him out, escaping the village would be easier. Since, you know… no ANBU to stop him.

So…

Uhhh…

...

Yeah, nothing was popping into mind. Not much an ten year old could do to a trained ANBU guy.

…

 _"Wait. He's a guy."_ Naruto thought

And there was one thing that all guys had in common.

* * *

Naruto strolled to a remote training ground, where there was nobody but him and the ANBU.

The training ground consisted of a bunch trees as well as a dense marshland. In other words, a relatively good place to hide a body.

 _"Time to enact Plan: Get rid of the ANBU dude"_

Naruto, rather dramatically, fake tripped onto the ground. Slowly of course, don't want to hurt himself.

"Oh no! I seemed to have hurt myself! Somebody should help me!" Naruto called out

He looked expectedly in the ANBU's direction.

…

…

…

Nothing.

"I said, _somebody_ should help me!"

A reluctant ANBU flashed to where Naruto was.

"What is the issue Naruto-"

"Nut punch no-jutsu!" Naruto launched a fist at the ANBU's privates.

Said ANBU collapsed into a limp heap, who surely wouldn't be able to move after that-

"Hrk! Hrk! Hrk!" Naruto stomped on the ANBU's genitals three more times

Then again, it never hurts to be careful.

Now supplies…

Naruto stripped the ANBU of some his belongings including his kunai, shuriken, and first aid kit that most ninjas in the village seemed to have.

He also took his wallet.

Naruto opened up the wallet to see the ANBU was pretty loaded.

Nice.

Now to hide the body to prevent suspicion.

Naruto set the ANBU against the tree, before covering him up with mud and grass. With the ANBU thoroughly blended in with the environment, Naruto couldn't help but let a little immaturity take place.

When the ANBU woke up he would wonder why everybody was looking at him weirdly.

He would need to scrub off that penis drawn on his face.

* * *

Oh hey, that's Naruto's first victim in the series!

We should keep a count.

 **Naruto's count of victimized people: 1**

* * *

Now what?

Eh, a bunch of other crap. But that's for another chapter.

* * *

 **Note: Hey! Looks like you guys liked the first part. Got your wish for those of you who wanted for me to make this into a full seires.**


	3. Getting Away

Escaping the village.

Konoha's border consisted a gigantic wall of wood with two chunin watching the gate.

That meant if you wanted out, you either get past the wall, or get past the chunin guards.

If you wanted to get past the chunin, you had to create a viable cover story, have the legal documents, as well as permission from someone higher up, such as the Hokage.

If you wanted to get past the wall, you had to deal with a 24 hour ANBU watch, as well as the alarms seals placed to alert the security team.

All very complicated stuff.

Now, none of that really matters if you're just going to dig a hole under the wall.

Naruto started digging at around one in the morning, where he was relatively hidden in the darkness. Several hours later, he shoveled a small tunnel just enough to fit his person.

Slipping under, Naruto let out a small whoop. He finally made it outside of Konoha-

"Hey, did you hear something?" one of the ANBU asked

Bitch!

Naruto ducked into a nearby bush and covered his mouth to muffle his panicked breathing.

"Nah, I don't think so." somebody else said

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure. It's not like the Hokage's kid is running away or anything."

* * *

(Next day)

"The Hokage's kid f*cking ran away!" the very same ANBU raged

It was headline news throughout Konoha, and almost every available ninja was trying to find him.

Minato sat in his office, tapping his foot wildly while giving out orders.

"I want your squadron to assist the team currently searching Training Ground 44." Minato tapped on a map, signifying the location.

"If you can't find him there, go to the border and see if you can't find any trace of Naruto."

"Hai, Hokage-sama!" and with that, the ANBU team flashed away

Minato sighed, leaning back in his chair. He sat up straight when the door slammed open.

"Where the hell is my brother!" Naruko stormed in

You see, the family was distraught with the absence of Naruto...even though they didn't really care for him...but since he was missing they suddenly decided to start caring…

* * *

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻

God f*cking dammit, how the hell do other fanfic writers do this? This is hard.

*Sigh*

Wait here, let me do some research.

* * *

Okay did some reading.

So in order to make these stories work, you have to have the Shinigami manipulate the family's emotions into neglecting Naruto in order to restore world order, but have them start loving him later when it wasn't working.

Or you can have the sibling be important since the Kyuubi was sealed in her/him, and somehow have everybody hate Naruto even though he did nothing wrong.

There's some fanfics where Naruto is weak and everybody loves the strong sibling, because that's how human psychology works.

And some stories just don't explain. People just suddenly start hating on Naruto for no reason.

…

…

...

Gah! What the f*ck! None of these make sense!

Okay. Here's the plan, I'm not going for the regular cliche type bullshit. I'm going to completely wing this and hope that the end results are okay.

Btw: I wrote this under the assumption that you have read other Naruto neglect fanfics. I am sorry if you haven't and is horribly confused. Go read some right now, and the story will probably make more sense.

Okay, everybody for the plan?

Let's continue on with the story.

Btw Btw: I'm just gonna avoid the emotional scenes. Can't do them for crap.

Btw Btw Btw: Also, if you are a neglect author, I love your stories. Please to not take offense to this and track down where I live so you can murder me in my sleep.

Btw Btw Btw Btw: No pairings! F*cking pairings. Can't write them at all.

* * *

Naruto thought he put a fair amount of distance between himself and Konoha. He had been moving non-stop since he escaped.

Well he thought wrong because an ANBU flickered right in front of him, making him fall on his butt in response.

"Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze ." the ANBU droned, "I am here to escort you back to Konoha. Please do not resist."

 _"Gah! What do I do?!"_ Naruto thought

Well, probably use the only skill in his arsenal right now.

Naruto teared up his eyes as best he could and looked up at the ANBU, making himself appear like a kicked puppy.

"I'm sorry ANBU-san!" he held open his arms, signaling he wanted a hug

The ANBU twitched.

Naruto stared unrelentingly.

The ANBU did his best to stay strong.

Naruto bit his lip for piercing power.

The ANBU's resolve crumbled at the 'poor' child and let his guard down. Naruto struck at that moment.

"Nut-punch no jutsu!"

"Hrk!"

The ANBU crumbled to the ground.

"Hrk! Hrk!" He stomped on the genitals two more times.

* * *

Victim count: 2

* * *

Naruto balked when a second ANBU came. Was he really that slow? He figured he'd escape by now.

 _"Seriously?"_ he thought

Naruto sighed before jumping into action.

"ANBU-san!" Naruto cried

* * *

Victim count: 3

* * *

Naruto should have known his technique would run out of its magic after the third ANBU.

Standing in front of him this time was his fourth ANBU adversary.

But the ANBU this time was a girl.

 _"Curses! My one weakness!"_ Naruto swore

Girls don't have nuts to punch!

"Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze." she said, "Please come back peacefully, and we can have a discussion about genital etiquette."

 _"No! I won't go back-wait, genital etiquette?"_ Naruto blanched

"Woman no! I'm ten! Go talk about your sexual fantasies with your fricken boyfriend!"

The ANBU faltered a bit at the misinterpretation, and Naruto took that chance to dash.

Too bad there happened to be a ditch right there. Naruto tripped and crashed his head into the ground, knocking himself out.

And he had such a streak going too.

* * *

Victim count: 4

* * *

(Somewhere)

 **"Naruto…"**

 **"Naruto…"**

 **"Naru-son of a bitch, WAKE UP!"**

"Huh?" Naruto sat up, blinking wearily

 **"You're failing as my Jinchuuriki, dumbass."** the voice continued

That's when Naruto noticed a giant demon fox staring right at him.

"Ah! A giant demon fox!"

 **"Yes, that is what I am."** the giant demon fox agreed

"Where am I?" Naruto asked, glancing around, before fearfully looking back at the fox

 **"Your brain."**

"Wait what?"

 **"Your brain"** the fox said again

"How am I in my brain?"

 **"You knocked yourself out. Like a dumbass. Shame on you."** the fox did the shame-shame finger gesture

"But-"

 **"Anyway, you knocked yourself out. And now you're in here."**

Naruto looked around to see a bleary sewer setting.

"My brain is a sewer?"

 **"Yes, your brain is a sewer."**

"Why is my brain a sewer?"

 **"I don't know."**

"Okay then...why are you in here?" he pointed at bijuu

 **"Because your father is an ass."**

Naruto could tell this was going to take a while.

* * *

(Later)

"Let me get this straight." Naruto began

"You started attacking Konoha because you were forced out of my mom while she was giving birth to me and my sister-"

 **"My sister and I."** the Kyuubi corrected

"Shut up, I'm ten! I even ran from my village! Who gives a f*ck about grammar!"

 **"Strong language for a ten-year old."** the hypocritical fox muttered

"Grr!"

 **"Sorry. Continue."**

Naruto continued.

"So my dad split you in half, sealed you into me and my sister, because our chakra coils could adapt."

 **"Yes."**

"You got sealed into my stomach."

 **"Yes."**

"And somehow you ended up in my subconscious, even though you got sealed in my stomach."

 **"...Yes."**

"You are the Yin Kyuubi."

 **"I am the Yin Kyuubi."**

"And that means you are the evil Kyuubi."

 **"Disney movie evil."**

"Which is part of the reason why everybody hates me."

 **"Probably."**

"You are also a being of immense power that sprouted from a giant tree which turned into a monster, which was defeated by the Sage of Six Paths himself, who decided to adopt you and your other bijuu siblings. He also gave you the name Kurama."

 **"I am all of those things."** Kurama confirmed

"You also have a link to other bijuu which allows you to talk to them. That meant you could talk to the other you."

 **"Yup."**

"So you decided to make a bet to see who had the better jinchuriki for shits and giggles."

 **"You make it sound like a bad thing."**

"It is a bad thing!" Naruto growled

Naruto sighed.

"Okay now that that's out of the way, where were we?"

 **"You are a failure of a jinchurki, you dumbass."**

"F*ck you!" Naruto retaliated at the sudden insult

Kurama went on, as if Naruto didn't say anything.

 **"But that's okay, because I'm here."**

"You are literally the reason as to why this is happening!"

 **"So, here's what I want you to do.** " Kurama stared at Naruto intensely, indicating he wanted no bullshit

 **"You are going to use my chakra, put the ANBU carrying you out of commision, and head up north."**

"Why north?"

 **"Just do it!"**

"Okay okay."

* * *

The female ANBU that was carrying Naruto back to Konoha felt proud of what she accomplished.

She managed to do what three of her colleagues could not: Capture Naruto.

So she felt proud.

Pride quickly turned into fear though, when she saw a demonic Naruto staring right at her.

 **"BoO mOthEr F*cKer!"** demon Naruto hissed out

Naruto jumped out of her arms, before slashing several times at the startled ANBU.

Then he ran away.

She was about to chase after him, before feeling very cold. Looking down, she saw her ANBU uniform as well as her underwear torn to shreds on the floor.

The ANBU screeched and covered herself with her arms.

She shivered as a breeze whooshed by. Wait, it was the middle of summer, there shouldn't be breezes. She turned her head confusedly and saw Naruto running in the opposite direction from where he originally went.

 **"I said** ** _north,_** **not south you dumbass!"**

"I'm sorry!"

* * *

Victim count: 5


	4. Chapter 4

Turns out, north wasn't exactly the correct route to the place Kurama wanted to go.

Needless to say, after spending hours sprinting around, Naruto was a bit peeved.

 _"Uzushiogakure is north-east goddammit!"_

 **"I'm sorry. My memory of where places are is a bit hazy. I only just spent the LAST CENTURY being trapped in people!"** Kurama growled

Naruto just snarled in frustration, before whipping out his map that he stole from someone a few miles back.

* * *

(Earlier)

The merchant gulped in fear as Naruto threatened him with a kunai.

"I don't your money or your goods, but give me your map!"

"W-wha-?" the merchant stuttered out, confused

"I said give it to me!"

* * *

Victim count: 6

* * *

(Present)

Effective robbery.

Glancing at the stolen map, he groaned realizing he still had a long ways to go.

"So far…"

He just wanted a rest. He had been running non-stop for hours and he was really feeling it. Perhaps the Kyuubi would be merciful enough to let him-

 **"Well bitching isn't going to get you there. Move those legs boy!"**

Of course not.

* * *

After a while of running, Naruto soon found himself in the ruins of Uzu. He was about to walk in before realizing something.

 _"You know, I should have asked this seemingly important question a while ago, but: Why are we here, exactly?"_

Kurama shifted a bit in its cage, attempting to move itself into a more comfortable position. Not that the fox succeeded. Damn cages. Cramped as hell.

 **"Tell me, how much do you know about your own people?"**

 _"Uh...like my parents and sister?"_

Kurama blinked.

 **"I meant the Uzumaki clan."** the fox clarified

 _"Uzumaki?"_

 **"Yes."**

Naruto pondered for a bit.

 _"I don't know too much, but they got wiped out in a war right?"_

 **"Do you know why?"**

Naruto shook his head.

 _"Nope."_

 **"Because they were powerful. So powerful, that other nations pussified and banded together to destroy the Uzumaki."**

 _"Really?"_

 **"Yes really."**

 _"Why were they so powerful?"_

 **"Moslty because of that damn thing on your stomach."**

 _"My...belly button?"_ Naruto said confusedly

Kurama's face slammed onto the floor at the sudden stupidness. The bijuu now becoming aware of the fact that trying to have an intellectual conversation with Naruto was a complete pain in the ass. It shouldn't have been so surprising. Naruto was ten.

 **"No! God...seals you stupid brat. It's seals."**

Naruto let out an 'oh' before rubbing the back of his head, embarrassed.

 _"Hehe, that makes more sense."_ Naruto nodded, _"Why were they so afraid of seals?"_ he questioned

 **"The Uzumaki could summon the actual death god and imprison me. Me. The fucking Kyuubi. You tell me."**

 _"Well I guess that would be pretty scary huh?"_

 **"Those nations apparently thought so."**

 _"Doesn't explain why we're here though."_

 **"Oh yeah. So, since they were so good at sealing, we're going to defile their sacred ruins and see if we find anything that can get me out this seal. They might of left something behind."** Kurama explained

 _"Ah, okay-wait what?"_

Naruto processed the words

 _"NO!"_ he objected...strongly

 **"Yes!"** Kurama argued, **"Think Naruto. You're ten and helpless, stuck in the outside world all by yourself. For all you know, there's some pedophelic snake man just waiting to kidnap and experiment on you!"**

* * *

(Somewhere)

Orochimaru sneezed.

"Please be careful Orochimaru-sama. The experiments could be contaminated." Kabuto cautioned

"Yes, I know that Kabuto."

A big snot monster wouldn't do anybody any good.

* * *

 _"Oddly specific…"_ Naruto murmured suspiciously, regarding the Kyuubi with uncertainty

 **"Or, what are you going to do, if you see someone that wants to capture and turn you in? You probably got a huge bounty on your ass."**

 _"I have a bounty? Why would I have a bounty?!"_

* * *

(Konoha)

Minato stared at his troops that have fallen to Naruto. He closed his eyes and sighed.

"My son, Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze, has abandoned the village. He has taken out our trained operatives effectively and swiftly. He is not to be underestimated." He spoke to his aide with a serious tone

However, the fact that they were talking about a ten year old was making it awkward.

"Put him in the Bingo Book. A-rank. Captured alive."

Really awkward.

* * *

(Iwa)

"The Hokage's son has ran away." Onoki scratched his beard, "We can use this."

He turned to his aide.

"Place a bounty on Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze. Captured alive."

Perhaps the capture of the Yondaime Hokage's son would get the damn Hokage to _stop friend requesting him!_

A beep sounded from the computer. Turning to see it, the Tsuchikage almost popped a blood vessel once he saw the notification.

 _Friend request_

 _Minato Namikaze would like to be your friend!_

 _Yes No_

"NO!" Onoki raged, as he clicked the no button for what seemed like the hundredth time.

 _"You killed a 1000 of my troops! Stop friend requesting me!"_

He should really delete social media. Bad for blood pressure.

* * *

(Akatsuki)

"One of the jinchuriki for the Kyuubi has fled from his village." Pein said, "We must take this opportunity to catch him while he is defenseless."

"I thought we were working our way up from one to nine?" one of the members called out

Pein frowned.

"Oh yeah."

"Why are we doing that again?"

"To be honest I still don't know."

* * *

(Back to Naruto)

"Shoot. I forgot I was important." Naruto said aloud

He faced the ruins.

 _"Guess I don't have a choice huh."_

 **"Sure you do. You either have me or you get captured."**

 _"...Pretty sure that's an ultimatum."_

 **"I'm surprised you even know that word."**

 _"I'm not dumb."_

 **"..."**

 **"...you sure about that?"**

 _"I'm ten! Give me a break!"_

* * *

(A while later...)

"There's literally goddamn nothing, on this goddamn island!" Naruto cursed as he stomped around

After searching for hours, Naruto still didn't find anything that was still intact or remotely substantial.

He was about to give up and take a break until he saw something out of the corner of his eye.

 _"Wait a minute? What's that?"_

He jogged over to the item. Looking closer, it appeared like it was some sort of scroll. Gripping the edge of the parchment paper, Naruto attempted to pull it open. 'Attempted' being the key word.

"What the? It won't open!" Naruto grunted as he pulled again

But no matter how hard he tugged, the scroll didn't budge.

 **"Holy...you are weak."** Kurama spoke in disbelief

 _"It's the scroll!"_ Naruto defended himself, still struggling, _"It won't open!"_

 **"...I wonder… oi Naruto."** Kurama grunted

 _"What?"_

 **"Try dropping some blood on it."**

 _"Why?"_

 **"It could be a blood scroll, where certain people can open it with their blood."**

 _"And you think I can open it?"_

 **"Well, its an Uzumaki scroll. And you are an Uzumaki…"**

Naruto shrugged. Might as well. ¯\\(º_o)/¯

Nicking his thumb with a kunai, Naruto quickly swiped the scroll. Sure enough, there was a poof of smoke, signifying that it worked. Once the smoke cleared up, Naruto eagerly looked to see what was inside.

Excitement died out when a heavily broken body flopped out. The person seemed like an old man, with his gray hair and all. He had a long sensei beard too.

"Ah, goddammit! I find the only interesting thing for hours and it turns out to be a dead body." Naruto groaned

"...Not dead yet, you idiot. Don't you know how to check a pulse?" the not dead body muttered weakly

"Ergh!" Naruto yelped out, surprised. Quickly recovering, he retorted to the not dead person.

"Well, yeah...you check the forehead, right?"

"Eh, try the neck."

"Ah, dammit!" Naruto groused, once again reminded of how he wasn't that intelligent, "I liked it better when I thought I was smart."

"And I liked it better when I could actually move my body. Nobody's perfect."

"Yeah, been meaning to ask about that; what happened?" Naruto questioned, regarding the poor state the old man was in

"Let's just say that whole world is just a giant dumb asshole."

"I guess I can feel you on that one." Naruto sympathized

"What's your name?"

"Naruto Uzumaki Namikaze."

"Oh? You're an Uzumaki?"

"Yup yup. What's your name?"

"Uzumaki Yasahiro." the old man grunted

"Cool."

"..."

"..."

Deciding that was the end with whatever this was, Naruto determined it was time to say goodbye to the guy who came from the scroll.

"Well, it's been fun talking to you, but I have to go _searching_ again." Naruto cringed at the mention of searching.

"Wait! I might be able to help you." the he called out as Naruto started walking away

Naruto turned around.

"Look buddy, appreciate it and all, but I don't see how a pretty much dead person is going to help me." Naruto said bluntly

"No no, no no, listen. I know something that might be able to help the both of us. I don't want to die and you seem like you're pretty weak."

"I am not-" Naruto reigned himself in and sighed, resigning himself the situation he was in.

"Go on." Naruto grunted

"There's a special technique that the Uzumaki have, forbidden by the clan, even amongst the highest ranking of our shinobi."

"And we're just going to abuse it?"

"Who's stopping us?"

"Good point. How do we do it?" Naruto kneeled down next to the old man, after being convinced rather quickly. It was intriguing after all.

"Place your hand on my chest."

Naruto placed a flat palm upon the old man's chest.

"Like this?"

"Yes."

"Now what?"

"..."

When old man didn't respond, Naruto looked down to see him drifting off. A tick mark formed on Naruto as he slapped Yasahiro a few times.

"Don't die yet, you old bastard! Don't waste my time!"

Yasahiro blinked open his eyes tiredly.

"What are we- oh yeah. Fusing!"

The old man's body suddenly lit up and turned into ethereal blue chakra. Naruto barely had time to flinch as the chakra jumped and integrated itself into his own body.

It didn't hurt as one might of suspected. In fact, the feeling was amazing. Naruto could feel himself surging with energy as his chakra enhanced. He felt like he could take down anybody at the moment.

"Wow...unreal...this feels incredible!" Naruto breathed out

He threw a couple punches, letting out a yell every time he did.

"Yah! Yah! Yah! Ya-"

 _"What are you doing?"_ a voice suddenly asked

Naruto immediately stopped.

 **"The f*ck are you doing in here?"** Kurama squawked (○口○ )

 _"Oh my. I didn't know you're the jinchuuriki of the Kyuubi! Hello there!"_ Yasahiro said, suprised, before waving (ʘ‿ʘ)╯

"Are you in my head?" Naruto asked

 _"Yup. Should fade away sooner or later. In the meantime, I'm stuck in here."_

 **"Great…"** Kurama grumbled

"Ok...so, what now?"

 _"Well, tell me what's going on."_

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(Later)

" _Ah, so that's the situation."_

"So…"

 _"I suppose I should help you. As you are one of the last of our clan."_

"Nice." Naruto pumped a fist

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 **Note: If you get my references...you got good tastes. Congrats.**

 **The Uzumaki can't actually fuse. This is fanfic. I can do and say whatever I want, because screw you and your accurateness. Actually no, not screw you. I'm sorry. Pls like me.**


	5. Letter to the readers

Dear Readers,

If you're aren't aware, all the stories on this account are being discontinued. The Neglected Asshole, To Save the Seal Masters, and the other crappy stories are going to die.

 **WAIT WAIT WAIT! DON'T CLICK AWAY!**

It's okay! JamCow hasn't abandoned you.

Lemme explain with expert explaning:

So let's say you have a piece of dog turd.

You initially start off proud with your dog turd. You feel like this will be a very succesful dog turd.

But then you start to notice problems with your dog turd, and you eventually get dissatisfied.

You don't like your dog turd as it is, so you attempt to add improvements and creativity to make the dog turd not so shit.

You do your best, feeling good when people compliment you on how funny your dog turd is.

Thing is, (Dog turd)+(My best efforts) equals still really bad, with the side product of intense cringe.

 **(If you don't get it, I'm comparing my stories to dog shit. Feel bad for me goddamit.)**

Fuck, where was I?

Whatever. What I'm saying is: I'm going to start over cause my stories are crap, so some new ones are coming.

I'll do my best to keep you guys entertained from now on, so all I ask of you is to look at my stuff from time to time commenting whether or not they're good or not.

See you in the new stories.

JamCow

P.S

Was my poop humour funny? I really dug into my third grade self./p


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